Mayor Bloomburgh Goes After Spoons

DATELINE August 18, 2013 – Mayor Bloomburgh has proposed legislation to city council that would ban the popular eating utensil commonly known as the spoon.  He said he woke up in the middle of the night with an epiphany.

“Mrs. Bloomburgh and I had spent a lovely evening at the Olive Garden,” the mayor said, “and when I got home I was pretty full.  I even had to unbutton my pants when I got in the car to drive home.  It was then that I remembered something that the waitress had told me.  She said, ‘Michelle Obama had spoken to their corporate management about Olive Garden’s all you can eat breadsticks.  Corporate had determined that all you can breadsticks were contributing to the obesity of America and they had decided to discontinue them.’   Well I still had to unbutton my pants to drive home comfortably so it was a good thing that the Obamas are looking out for me.  There is no telling what I would have had to take off if I had eaten my customary four or five bread sticks.”

Mayor Bloomburgh went on to say that he fell asleep on the couch watching MSNBC as is his normal routine.  The subject they were discussing was gun control.

“I remember they had my good friend Senator Robins on as a guest,” the mayor explained.  “He, as you all know, is sponsoring a bill that is making its way through committee as we speak.  This bill would outlaw the manufacture and sale of all firearms and explosives in the United States with the exception of those who have special permits.  Special permits for police, judges, on duty military personnel and current or former politicians and that is when I dozed off from my earlier indulgence.”

The mayor went on to describe how he woke up with the idea that the spoon should be banned.

“You see the federal government has food standards that are there to protect us not only from diseases that can make us sick but also from diseases like obesity that will have their effects in the future.  Olive Garden was looking out for my health when they limited my over eating of the breadsticks but they failed me, and all of us, when it came to desert.  After my meal I ordered and finished an entire three scoop ice cream sundae with hot fudge and two brownies.  It is important to note here that if I hadn’t been tempted by that ice-cream I would not have over eaten so much.

“Then I remembered the proposed ban on fire arms. 

“Why couldn’t I combine the best of both worlds?

“With the success of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move program and the assured success of the ban on the manufacture and sale of firearms, my legislation does exactly that.

“I urge city council to see the wisdom of this legislation to protect our children and our citizens from harming themselves further.  When council approves this act we can finally come to grips with some of the greatest burdens on our society.  Obesity is related to so many health problems and adds an extreme burden on our health care system.

“Now I understand the controversy that I may bring forth with this proposal.  Some may ask ‘Mayor, why don’t you ban ice cream or mayonnaise?    My answer to you would be we do not want to take away people’s freedom of choice.  We want our citizens to be able to eat ice cream but not by the bowlful.  In the future you will still be able to order ice cream but only the amount that can fit in a cone or on a stick.  You can still have mayonnaise but only use the amount that you can get out of the jar with a knife.

“I hope the public as a whole with truly think about the wisdom of this new policy and get behind us for the betterment and for a healthier society.”

Mayor Bloomburgh only took a few questions after his brief statement but became visibly angry at a reporter when he asked, “What about all the people who work for the spoon manufacturers?  Aren’t you worried about putting people out of work?”

“There must be consequences for the betterment of society.  I feel for those who work in the spoon industry but our research shows that most of the spoons in this country are manufactured in China anyway.  And I want you to know this legislation does not force anyone to give up the spoons they already have in their homes.  We are not coming for your spoons.  One more thing, I want you know that I woke up with a stomach ache because of that spoon.  It is time to start fighting for the common man and if you can’t get behind a proposal like this that does nothing but help the common man live a longer and healthier life then you are the epitome of evil.”

It was then that the mayor asked his own question.

“Who do you work for son?  Fox News?”

Turns out, he did.