I do sort of feel like I owe radical Republicans an apology.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, and writing about, how outrageously stupid and childish you’ve made the Republican Party lately. And really, it’s caused me a great deal of stress trying to explain that viewpoint to people.
But now, the masses are starting to figure it out.
See, ‘cause when Newt Gingrich says child labor laws are “truly stupid” and recommends kids sweep the floors of their schools, people start to think you’re weird.
...and when your party’s campaign donors joke that women should be holding an aspirin between their legs (in order to keep them closed) as a form of contraception, other people besides me know that thinking is a bit dated.
...and when you line up a panel of men in a government hearing to discuss womens’ contraception, that’s lacks a bit of common sense.
...and when three states have (or had) Republican-sponsored bills mandating that a trans-vaginal ultrasound probe be given before any women can have an abortion—more-or-less literally forcing the government into a woman’s body—well, people think that’s a little outrageous.
And when your campaign boasts the endorsement of a major Detroit newspaper, but gets caught editing out their criticism that you opposed the American auto bailout, you're really not doing your party any favors.
But you are doing me a favor.
Because I didn’t say these things. You said these things. You’re letting people add up how out of touch with the times you are, how extreme your ideas have become from the mainstream, and how you can’t even celebrate an American success simply because the other guy did it. You’re splintering and positioning the entire perception of your party—not just the occasional candidate—as bizarrely radical.
People who don’t even really pay attention to the news that often are beginning to add this up, with or without my help.
So, thanks for making the suicide of your party so public. Here’s hoping their rebirth enables this country to move forward without pandering to dangerous madcaps and religious weirdos.
Now, if I might be so bold, I’d like to join the voice of the current incarnation of the GOP for just a minute and offer up some more talking points for use in the general election; just to expedite the process of shuffling off the lunatics in the party so we can (hopefully) get you back to responsible politics. These are red-meat topics that both nostalgically remind us of the halcyon days of yesteryear AND pin further blame on Obama. And they fit right in with the “logic” your party has been using during the nomination process:
Talking Point #1: Everyone knows what a catastrophe “Obamacare” is. When a Republican is President, the process of repeal can begin, so people with pre-existing conditions can go back to being appropriately shunned by insurance companies. But Republicans do need to address health care after its repeal, so the talking point to embrace here is: “Leeches.” Leeches for cures, and leeches for the poor. Leeches to treat everything. Got the gout? Leeches. And leeches will suck the Diabetes right out of your body. Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the state of Florida, but we can totally start a leech farming industry to revitalize the economy in that state.
All we need in return is their electoral votes.
Talking point #2: Obviously, Obama’s bailout of the auto industry was an unmitigated disaster. Americans are now, once again, driving American-made cars— and doing so at speeds that are way too fast. So the message to the electorate needs to be: “President Obama is trying to kill your children by giving handouts to his cronies in the automobile industry so they can make cars that exceed safe speeds.”
The best solution to Obama’s carelessness is to get America back to horse travel. Horses are safe and efficient. And they don’t pollute the atmosphere, either. Why is that hypocrite Obama—who is supposed to be all for green jobs and environmental safety—bailing out car companies to pollute our atmosphere? We should be saddling up on horses again, where speeds are safer and emission standards would be drastically lowered to the level of the occasional post-hay flatulence.
Talking point #3: Democracy is dumb. Obama and the Democrats are trying to bring their “Chicago Style” voter fraud tactics to the nation. This has to be stopped. And the best way to do that is simply to go to a feudalistic society. The GOP is already tinkering with this in places like Benton Harbor, Michigan, where an appointed “emergency manager” has practically absolute power in the town above and beyond the actual elected leaders. We should go nationwide with this and just make Newt Gingrich a knight and provide him with lands in Georgia. We can dress up Ron Paul like King Longshanks from Braveheart. Mitt Romney could fire a bunch of peasants.
The only question left is whether or not we can find Rick Santorum a sweater vest made of chain mail.
Hope that helps. You’re welcome.
This kind of column would be more suited to blogs that are aiming for a certain office, not an unbiased news piece or even editorial. If Patrick is calling himself a " humorist" he should probably learn what might be funny to everyone, not just a certain part of the political spectrum.
you may not know it and you may be unable to comprehend how but your blog absolutely confirms Republicans in their opinion that Democrats must be removed from all avenues of power because they have no clue. You are the finest example of Pauline Kael journalism that Patch has going for them.
on talking point #3 I actually have some history to chip in. My mother served as the Librarian in Benton Harbor until 1990 and from the stories she told me the "emergency manager" now in place seems to be least intrusive yet effective way to help Benton Harbor. There was an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine a few weeks back that covered the subject. In it I saw all of the shades of the stories my mother related to me and other than giving up and letting it fall to dust it seems as if the "EM" is the only effective way to go.
That seems like an extreme solution, I believe Ohio's system is superior. http://codes.ohio.gov/orc/118
all I can suggest is that you see B.H. It is a result of a level of dysfunctional governance that makes Greece look like a going concern. I went back to B. H for my reunion two years ago. I could not see any change. It is my opinion, in this case, that only this extreme solution has any hope of success.
That smacks of totalitarianism. Yikes. ""Democracy" is one of the most important principles for a better world. In its truest sense, a democracy is a community in which all members have an equal say in the running of that community. Unfortunately in reality, democratic societies have fallen short of this ideal. Nevertheless, because of its very nature, once a democracy is established, its citizens can work together to make their society more and more democratic, if they choose to do so." -- Robert Alan Silverstein
Pauline Kael was a film critic and commentator, not a news reporter, therefore the reference.
-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
"Democrats must be removed from all avenues of power" Through Democratic means only of course. As the people of Ohio chose to do in 2010.
and we're now on a path to insure that no one has great wealth.
-- Robert Alan Silverstein
– Kofi Annan
― Desmond Tutu
-- Frederik W. de Klerk
-- Carson McCullers
-- Ralph J. Bunche
Talking pouint #2- The bailout of the auto industry was unconstitutional and immoral. The President took equity from ligimate bond-holders and gave it to the unions. This was done, we were told, to avoid bankruptcy, which happened anyway. Also, you may remember, the administration closed profittable dealerships simply because they were run by Republicans. Talking point #3-I have heard no Republican suggesting this. Once again you set up a strawman argument by mischaracterizing what the Conservative position is just so you can knock it down. This is because you can't defend your own Liberal positions in the arena of ideas, so you have to lie about what is the Conservative position.