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To the GOP: I'm Sorry, Thank You, You're Welcome

Patrick joins the new GOP.

I do sort of feel like I owe radical Republicans an apology.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, and writing about, how outrageously stupid and childish you’ve made the Republican Party lately.  And really, it’s caused me a great deal of stress trying to explain that viewpoint to people.

But now, the masses are starting to figure it out.

See, ‘cause when Newt Gingrich says child labor laws are “truly stupid” and recommends kids sweep the floors of their schools, people start to think you’re weird.

...and when your party’s campaign donors joke that women should be holding an aspirin between their legs (in order to keep them closed) as a form of contraception, other people besides me know that thinking is a bit dated. 

...and when you line up a panel of men in a government hearing to discuss womens’ contraception, that’s lacks a bit of common sense.

...and when three states have (or had) Republican-sponsored bills mandating that a trans-vaginal ultrasound probe be given before any women can have an abortion—more-or-less literally forcing the government into a woman’s body—well, people think that’s a little outrageous.

And when your campaign boasts the endorsement of a major Detroit newspaper, but gets caught editing out their criticism that you opposed the American auto bailout, you're really not doing your party any favors.

But you are doing me a favor. 

Because I didn’t say these things.  You said these things.  You’re letting people add up how out of touch with the times you are, how extreme your ideas have become from the mainstream, and how you can’t even celebrate an American success simply because the other guy did it.  You’re splintering and positioning the entire perception of your party—not just the occasional candidate—as bizarrely radical. 

People who don’t even really pay attention to the news that often are beginning to add this up, with or without my help. 

So, thanks for making the suicide of your party so public.  Here’s hoping their rebirth enables this country to move forward without pandering to dangerous madcaps and religious weirdos. 

Now, if I might be so bold, I’d like to join the voice of the current incarnation of the GOP for just a minute and offer up some more talking points for use in the general election; just to expedite the process of shuffling off the lunatics in the party so we can (hopefully) get you back to responsible politics.  These are red-meat topics that both nostalgically remind us of the halcyon days of yesteryear AND pin further blame on Obama.  And they fit right in with the “logic” your party has been using during the nomination process:

Talking Point #1:  Everyone knows what a catastrophe “Obamacare” is.  When a Republican is President, the process of repeal can begin, so people with pre-existing conditions can go back to being appropriately shunned by insurance companies.  But Republicans do need to address health care after its repeal, so the talking point to embrace here is:  “Leeches.”  Leeches for cures, and leeches for the poor.  Leeches to treat everything.  Got the gout?  Leeches.  And leeches will suck the Diabetes right out of your body.  Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the state of Florida, but we can totally start a leech farming industry to revitalize the economy in that state. 

All we need in return is their electoral votes.

Talking point #2:  Obviously, Obama’s bailout of the auto industry was an unmitigated disaster. Americans are now, once again, driving American-made cars— and doing so at speeds that are way too fast.   So the message to the electorate needs to be:  “President Obama is trying to kill your children by giving handouts to his cronies in the automobile industry so they can make cars that exceed safe speeds.” 

The best solution to Obama’s carelessness is to get America back to horse travel.  Horses are safe and efficient.  And they don’t pollute the atmosphere, either.  Why is that hypocrite Obama—who is supposed to be all for green jobs and environmental safety—bailing out car companies to pollute our atmosphere?  We should be saddling up on horses again, where speeds are safer and emission standards would be drastically lowered to the level of the occasional post-hay flatulence.

Talking point #3:  Democracy is dumb.  Obama and the Democrats are trying to bring their “Chicago Style” voter fraud tactics to the nation.  This has to be stopped.  And the best way to do that is simply to go to a feudalistic society.  The GOP is already tinkering with this in places like Benton Harbor, Michigan, where an appointed “emergency manager” has practically absolute power in the town above and beyond the actual elected leaders.  We should go nationwide with this and just make Newt Gingrich a knight and provide him with lands in Georgia.  We can dress up Ron Paul like King Longshanks from Braveheart.  Mitt Romney could fire a bunch of peasants.

The only question left is whether or not we can find Rick Santorum a sweater vest made of chain mail.

Hope that helps.  You’re welcome.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Dave D February 28, 2012 at 03:53 AM
This is news? It's listed under the news tab, so it must be. It sounds likes rhetoric on Fox news, and MSNBC. This is supposed to be humor, but it sounds like the resurection of Keith Obermann. This kind of column would be more suited to blogs that are aiming for a certain office, not an unbiased news piece or even editorial. If Patrick is calling himself a " humorist" he should probably learn what might be funny to everyone, not just a certain part of the political spectrum.
dude February 28, 2012 at 12:34 PM
Talking point #2: Obviously, Obama’s bailout of the auto industry was an unmitigated disaster. Americans are now, once again, driving American-made cars— and doing so at speeds that are way too fast. So the message to the electorate needs to be: “President Obama is trying to kill your children by giving handouts to his cronies in the automobile industry so they can make cars that exceed safe speeds.” ?????The bail out made people drive faster?????
James Thomas February 28, 2012 at 03:16 PM
Thank You Patrick, you may not know it and you may be unable to comprehend how but your blog absolutely confirms Republicans in their opinion that Democrats must be removed from all avenues of power because they have no clue. You are the finest example of Pauline Kael journalism that Patch has going for them.
James Thomas February 28, 2012 at 07:32 PM
Patrick, on talking point #3 I actually have some history to chip in. My mother served as the Librarian in Benton Harbor until 1990 and from the stories she told me the "emergency manager" now in place seems to be least intrusive yet effective way to help Benton Harbor. There was an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine a few weeks back that covered the subject. In it I saw all of the shades of the stories my mother related to me and other than giving up and letting it fall to dust it seems as if the "EM" is the only effective way to go.
Tim Torrence February 28, 2012 at 07:33 PM
Talking point #2: Are you seriously trying to contribute to man made global warming, deforestation and world hunger? If we were to revert to animal travel once more we would need so much acreage for animal feed it would most certainly increase, by 1000% the requirements now, which would lead to cutting down more trees. Finally, have you ever been near a horse fart? So much methane and you want to increase this effect?
Brandon Scullion February 28, 2012 at 07:44 PM
What about checks and balances?
Donald R. Thompson February 29, 2012 at 12:40 AM
Mr. Thomas, That seems like an extreme solution, I believe Ohio's system is superior. http://codes.ohio.gov/orc/118
Debbie S. February 29, 2012 at 03:25 AM
Patrick - Your blog post made me laugh out loud and the comments from people who can't recognize obvious satire speak for themselves. Well done!
The original Bill February 29, 2012 at 05:02 AM
Funny article. Even funnier comments.
James Thomas February 29, 2012 at 02:46 PM
Mr. Thompson, all I can suggest is that you see B.H. It is a result of a level of dysfunctional governance that makes Greece look like a going concern. I went back to B. H for my reunion two years ago. I could not see any change. It is my opinion, in this case, that only this extreme solution has any hope of success.
Jack Kelly February 29, 2012 at 03:57 PM
Mr. Thomas -- this is not a journalism (news) piece; it's a commentary/opinion piece.
* February 29, 2012 at 06:19 PM
"Democrats must be removed from all avenues of power" That smacks of totalitarianism. Yikes. ""Democracy" is one of the most important principles for a better world. In its truest sense, a democracy is a community in which all members have an equal say in the running of that community. Unfortunately in reality, democratic societies have fallen short of this ideal. Nevertheless, because of its very nature, once a democracy is established, its citizens can work together to make their society more and more democratic, if they choose to do so." -- Robert Alan Silverstein
James Thomas February 29, 2012 at 06:19 PM
Mr. Helbig, Pauline Kael was a film critic and commentator, not a news reporter, therefore the reference.
* February 29, 2012 at 06:21 PM
"We can have a democracy in this country or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we cannot have both." -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
James Thomas February 29, 2012 at 06:28 PM
KC, "Democrats must be removed from all avenues of power" Through Democratic means only of course. As the people of Ohio chose to do in 2010.
James Thomas February 29, 2012 at 06:29 PM
KC, and we're now on a path to insure that no one has great wealth.
* February 29, 2012 at 08:17 PM
The human family is very diverse, with many different beliefs and cultures and ways of life. Many conflicts in our world are caused when people are intolerant of the ways that others see the world. Learning tolerance is an important cornerstone to creating a better world. -- Robert Alan Silverstein
* February 29, 2012 at 08:18 PM
“We need to promote greater tolerance and understanding among the peoples of the world. Nothing can be more dangerous to our efforts to build peace and development than a world divided along religious, ethnic or cultural lines. In each nation, and among all nations, we must work to promote unity based on our shared humanity.” – Kofi Annan
* February 29, 2012 at 08:20 PM
“Differences are not intended to separate, to alienate. We are different precisely in order to realize our need of one another.” ― Desmond Tutu
* February 29, 2012 at 09:07 PM
"Peace does not fare well where poverty and deprivation reign. It does not flourish where there is ignorance and a lack of education and information. Repression, injustice and exploitation are inimical with peace. Peace is gravely threatened by inter-group fear and envy and by the unleashing of unrealistic expectations. Racial, class and religious intolerance and prejudice are its mortal enemies." -- Frederik W. de Klerk
* February 29, 2012 at 09:09 PM
We live in the richest country in the world. There's plenty to spare and for no man, woman, or child to be in want. And in addition to this our country was founded on what should have been a great , true principle -- the freedom, equality, and rights of each individual. Huh! And what has come of this start? There are corporations worth billions of dollars--and hundreds of thousands of people who don't get to eat. -- Carson McCullers
* February 29, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Man has but little heeded the advice of the wise men. He has been - fatefully, if not willingly - less virtuous, less constant, less rational, less peaceful than he knows how to be, than he is fully capable of being. He has been led astray from the ways of peace and brotherhood by his addiction to concepts and attitudes of narrow nationalism, racial and religious bigotry, greed and lust for power. -- Ralph J. Bunche
* March 02, 2012 at 12:17 AM
“They talk about income inequality. I’m for income inequality.” - Santorum
Lynda Zielinski March 03, 2012 at 01:56 PM
So funny! Loved it! Shouldn't it be flatulence (a noun) though?
Patrick Giusto March 03, 2012 at 10:07 PM
It should be, yes. And I cannot express to you how ashamed I am-- not only that I missed that in editing, but that I screwed up a fart joke I spent an entire paragraph setting up. Thanks for pointing that out, though.
Jonathan Coulter March 05, 2012 at 04:47 AM
Patrick, go ahead and add "sh*t-stirrer" to your tagline.
Damon koch April 14, 2012 at 02:27 PM
Talking point #1- Insurance companies reject 4% of their claims, Medicare and medicaid reject 8%. And you want to put the government in charge. The Conservative position is more free market solutions that work, not more government which leads to less care because of rationing. Talking pouint #2- The bailout of the auto industry was unconstitutional and immoral. The President took equity from ligimate bond-holders and gave it to the unions. This was done, we were told, to avoid bankruptcy, which happened anyway. Also, you may remember, the administration closed profittable dealerships simply because they were run by Republicans. Talking point #3-I have heard no Republican suggesting this. Once again you set up a strawman argument by mischaracterizing what the Conservative position is just so you can knock it down. This is because you can't defend your own Liberal positions in the arena of ideas, so you have to lie about what is the Conservative position.

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