Let's Start a Conspiracy Theory

Because fiction is more interesting than reality.

I love conspiracy theorists. 

I love them because, in a sort of a sick way, they’re idealists. They really want to believe that the real world is so exciting that masterminds are constantly plotting in black leather chairs, stroking white, furry cats, and coming up with intricate plans based on almost no motive. 

And I can understand the excitement of treating the world (and, specifically, American politics) as though it were one, big mystery movie:  everyone wants to be the guy who says, "I totally called the ending of The Sixth Sense."  It makes you feel smarter. 

There's a feeling of validation in that.  And, at least in terms of a basal approach to the news of the world these days, it does pay to be a skeptic.

Unfortunately, in my experience, politics is less about the evil cackle of a successful plan, and more about "oops."  It's hard to base my political understanding on the paranoia that everyone is a mastermind when our Congressmen are getting caught tweeting pictures of their peckers

Call me the crazy one, but I have a hard time believing humans (in general) are really all that deep, smart, or coordinated to pull off some of the theories I've come across-- not all, but most. 

I’m certain that there’s some covert military stuff going on in this country that’s being kept secret from me; but that’s also how I know it was actually masterminded by someone—because it’s still a secret

Yet, that hasn't stopped people on both ends of the aisle claiming the government is engaged in some plan to take your guns away, take over the media, convert us all to Socialists, or turn us all into Soylent Green.

If you really want to go ahead and believe (as some liberal conspiracy theorists do) that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were the architects of an involved plot to destroy the Twin Towers, please, go ahead. 

I’m just not with you on that.  Because you might try to convince me logically that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney should have been impeached for going to war in Iraq on a lie, but there’s (at least arguable) evidence of that. 

There’s no credible evidence that George W. Bush was smart enough to mastermind a controlled demolitions project that would have involved tens of people silently wiring the floors and support beams of two massive structures with blasting gelatin, while simultaneously invisibly shooting a rocket at the Pentagon and flying an airliner directly into the ground in Pennsylvania and then keeping their mouths totally shut about it for ten years. 

The dude had trouble with “The Pet Goat.”  Let’s appropriate the correct amount of credit here.

Still, 9/11 conspiracy theorists aren’t the only players in this game. 

The blossoming of the internet, and the emergence of both the Tea Party and Occupy Movements lately, have assisted in exploding paranoia as the reference point for some peoples' approach to politics.

There is, of course, the Birther Movement, which cannot be silenced by reality and/or documents.  They seem convinced that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and therefore cannot be the President of the United States. I’m not sure why this concerns them, though, as Barack Obama has already been the President of the United States for three years now. 

Being concerned about his legitimacy after winning an election, and possibly winning a second, is a little silly to worry about ex-post-facto.  Not to mention HE’S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Even if the birth certificate he produced was a fake, I’m fairly certain he has access to someone who could make a forged birth certificate capable of fooling your average conspiracy theorist who plays dress-up at Tea Party rallies.

The answer-and-questioning start to go a little overboard when people start saying things like “Obama is a Muslim” (He's not, but... even if he was… So?), and “Obama murdered Andrew Breitbart” (Why?  Over a videotape?  Who, but a jackass like me, even knows who Andrew Breitbart is anyway?), and Rush Limbaugh’s recent favorite:  “The villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane as part of a liberal conspiracy.”  

But going too far is the key to a really solid, guilty-pleasure conspiracy theory.  And so I would like to create a few theories myself, based on loose evidence, hearsay, a large gap in logic, and a whole lot of hidden agendas:

Theory #1:  The GOP has been hijacked by space aliens.  

Evidence:  The Chairman of the GOP is named Reince Preibus.  I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that name mentioned as an intergalactic warlord Scientologists believe in.  Two of their potential nominees were named Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney.  They already sound like the two green guys on the Simpsons.  Also, Newt wanted a moon base and Mitt thinks the trees in Michigan are “the right height.”  The right height for what?  Coverage for an invading moon-based flying saucer army?  Can you prove that’s not what he meant?!

Theory #2Barack Obama played for the Washington Generals.

Evidence:  Well, we already know from other conspiracy theorists that he’s a radical terrorist.  But he’s been in the White House now for almost four years, and the economy is growing and (thus far) we’ve had no actual successful terrorist attacks on our soil.  In fact, there have been a few foiled on his watch.  So he’s clearly incompetent, if not totally ass-backwards at his job.  Also, he lives in Washington, and he loves basketball.  What more proof do you need that he must have been a former member of the team famous for their historic losing streak to the Harlem Globetrotters? 

Theory #3:  There was a massive cover-up when it came to the deaths of America’s enemies.  

Evidence:  Barack Obama has been taking credit for the deaths of Ghaddafi and bin Laden as part of his credentials on foreign policy.  But we've seen a systematic removal of leaders America has hated for a long, long time now.  Since the late 80s, actually.  Idi Amin, Arafat, Ghaddafi, Kohmeni… all gone.  And do you know why? 

No, I mean, do you REALLY know why?

Police Squad’s Frank Drebin.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

tom m July 30, 2012 at 01:54 AM
while were at it lets bring up the refusal to release his college transcripts http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/may/28/obama-ducks-calls-to-release-his-collegiate-transc/?page=all
tom m July 30, 2012 at 02:13 AM
oh heck lets see the actual birth records with seal http://h2ooflife.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/barrys-buried-past/
tom m July 30, 2012 at 02:14 AM
all being blocked by the same people demanding 10 years of tax records
tom m July 30, 2012 at 02:18 AM
for the record I am not a birther I am a registered democrat (waiting for hillary to run) I am a dues paying teamster I do not drink kool-aid
James Thomas July 30, 2012 at 05:26 PM
As to point #1, I think both parties have been hijacked. How else could you explain Dennis Kucinich and Jim Traficant?
I.M. Wright July 30, 2012 at 06:39 PM
"I think both parties have been hijacked." Which is why you listed 2 Democrats, huh? And one who hasn't been in office for how long now? A decade? Nor has Traficant been relevant in just as long. But, I wouldn't expect anything less from someone who hasn't a clue. *rolleyes*
John Osbourne July 30, 2012 at 07:24 PM
Let's face it. Politicians only work for The People during election season. The rest of the time, they work for The Federal Reserve and the most powerful banks and institutions that have grown up around it. You want to talk "conspiracy theories"? Research "water fluoridation". Once you realize how incredibly toxic fluoride is for human consumption, you begin to wander why they're REALLY adding it to the water supply. Let's talk about the suppression of natural and alternative medicine. "Big Pharma" is hot on the heels of natural medicine. They are scared to death that the sheeple will wake up and realize how incredibly toxic mainstream medicine is, and will turn to alternatives. "Big Pharma" has actually been lobbying to try and pass laws to force people into the hospital system. They've been trying desperately to prosecute, in courts of law, people who refuse chemo and radiation as cancer treatments. They've actually managed to win some lawsuits against people who have refused. Research this stuff for yourselves. It's disgusting. I was horrified when I began researching this stuff. Research Dr. Burzynski. He created a treatment for cancer some years ago that was totally non-toxic and multiple times more effective than chemo or radiation. They've been trying to nail him to a cross ever since. Netflix currently has a documentary about Dr. Burzynski you can watch streaming. It's utterly horrible how they have treated him over the decades.
John Osbourne July 30, 2012 at 07:26 PM
Research Monsanto and GMO foods. Research "vaccine ingredients and their side effects". Wake up people !!
John Osbourne July 30, 2012 at 07:33 PM
Research Aspartame and it's side effects. research MSG (mono sodium glutamate) and it's side effects . . . These are both extremely toxic food additives that are known to lead to brain damage and seizures (as well as obesity and diabetes). Yet, they poor this crap into virtually everything now-a-days.
John Osbourne July 30, 2012 at 07:36 PM
I find this article to be ignorant and offensive. It seeks to paint a picture of anyone who believes in ANY SORT OF CONSPIRACY to be a freak who thinks aliens have taken over society. This is the worst type of yellow journalism.
shewithnoname July 31, 2012 at 02:17 AM
So this was supposed to be humor? "Ark, ark" ~ Mork
tom m July 31, 2012 at 02:47 AM
I always thank the government for picking up all those little pieces at roswell so that we can have all this nice technology we have today
James Thomas July 31, 2012 at 04:43 AM
I. M Getalife, Patrick only gave GOP names, I just balanced him. But then, he supposedly has a sense of humor.
I.M. Wright July 31, 2012 at 10:11 AM
Another back-pedal and clueless remark by the poster child for staying in school or paying attention: James Thomas. I'd feel sorry for you being so freaking ignorant (or maybe you're just flat-out stupid). But then again, I get my rocks off laughing at the stupidity the regularly spews from people like yourself. BTW...check your calender. It's 2012. Not 2000. Your attempt-to-deflect-from-your-stupidity-being-highlighted doesn't change the fact that Traficant hasn't been relevant for over a decade, and Dennis! has been booted by the voters. Pick someone relevant next time. Stay stupid, WAAAAAH-publican whiner. Now, go ahead and starting whining, crying and pouting to the mods to have my post removed, like you always do.
I.M. Wright July 31, 2012 at 10:13 AM
"Politicians only ACT LIKE THEY work for The People during election season." I fixed that for you! lol
Patrick Giusto July 31, 2012 at 12:23 PM
I thought I was an equal-opportunity offender in this one, James. I mentioned that these theories come from both sides of the aisle, linked to an article about Hillary Clinton's reference to the "vast right wing conspiracy," took a pretty good shot at (usually) liberal 9/11 theorists, and made fun of Anthony Weiner (and his wiener). There's just more conspiracy theorists coming from the right to choose from these days because there's a Democrat in the White House (and for other reasons I laid out). And, to I.M. Wright: I appreciate you reading, but when you reference one of my readers-- even someone I disagree with as much as James-- as "stupid", "clueless" and "ignorant," you'd better knock out about two pages of logical reasons as to why. You don't win an argument with emotion, hyperbole and name-calling. So, argue all you want. But don't be insulting for the sake of insult. Otherwise *I* will be (and I was) the person who flags your comments for removal.
John Osbourne July 31, 2012 at 12:56 PM
I stand corrected . . .
James Thomas July 31, 2012 at 01:30 PM
Patrick, on the whole I found this article very readable. The reason why my comment was limited to "Point #1" only was that that was the only issue I thought needed any additional information. I tried to add to the conversation and not detract from it.
Phyllis Stager July 31, 2012 at 01:37 PM
Kudos, Patrick for your response to I.M. Wright. Name calling, etc. has no place in a lively debate. By the way, I have enjoyed your 'set ups' for our discussions! I look forward for opportunities to 'argue'. Since your latest is only a little one sided....I find nothing to hang my contrarian hat on today!! Cheers!
James Thomas July 31, 2012 at 05:49 PM
Patrick, While you did include both sides in your article you named and identified, by party, all Republican individuals and linked to articles without naming or giving the party affiliation of the Democrats in the piece. Subtle, but still biased. Oh wait!! Was that a conspiracy with Patch and Arianna?
Jessica Johnson Salamon August 01, 2012 at 06:43 AM
I found this highly entertaining and witty. But, Patrick, really, I think we can come up with a few more theories, we might even be able to make them stick.
sensible reasonable August 02, 2012 at 01:03 AM
The Kenya/birther issue is a red herring. It is designed to ridicule Obama's opponents. “Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon.” - Alinsky Obama was definitely born in Hawaii. Golly gee, what a coincendence, Frank Marshall Davis was a communist operative from *Chicago*, who was assigned to Hawaii to be a communist agitator and labor rabble rouser also happened to be in Hawaii at the time and was a "friend" of Obama's mother's family. Go figure. After all, Obama and Frank Marshall Davis don't look anything alike do they? Google (images) Obama Frank Marshall Davis & see for yourself. No, they don't have the exact same hairline. Same exact ears. No, those same grinch-like lines that run from the sides of their nostrils to the sides of their mouths are just a coincedence, right?
America first August 02, 2012 at 01:17 AM
Coincidence (typo)
Patrick Giusto August 02, 2012 at 03:13 AM
I still don't understand this mentality. Even if what you're saying were true, and that a communist operative were Obama's real father-- and, by (what I assume is your) implication that a dyed-in-the-wool communist has infiltrated the executive branch of our government-- wouldn't we have seen some seriously radical changes by now? Why wouldn't he have pushed for universal health care instead of an exchange system? Why wouldn't he be behind the efforts to subvert the voting process to erode democracy our system of government? What's he waiting for? Like I said earlier: if he's a radical terrorist/communist/socialist the way I hear him talked about, he's seriously underachieving. Hell, as a DEMOCRAT he's seriously underachieving in my book.
Patrick Giusto August 02, 2012 at 07:37 AM
Thanks, Phyllis. It's always nice to get a positive comment every now and again.
lenka August 03, 2012 at 01:49 AM
Um, Van Jones ?
Kim L August 03, 2012 at 01:53 AM
van jones at least is honest on who he is and what he wants to do
lenka August 03, 2012 at 02:31 AM
Have you read Rules for Radicals? Alinky was never for violence or terrorism. He was for infiltration and gradualism.Pretend to be moderate, advocate for a "balanced approach", while gradually going hard left. Patrick, re-read rules for radicals.
Patrick Giusto August 03, 2012 at 12:55 PM
Wow. This "infiltrate and gradualism towards the hard left" thing must be a really slow process! He's already used up 3 years and 195 days. He could be voted out of office before he's able to complete his master plan of... of... Hmm... I'm stuck here. Little help?
Chris (Kit) Myers August 04, 2012 at 09:40 PM
I.M. Wright is once again showing-off his sterling intellectual capacity.


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