I Just Solved the Abortion Debate

I suppose I should start this off by announcing that I’m Pro-Choice. 

I cannot understand what role government has in legislating morality, especially on religious grounds.  I think Prohibition proved what a massive failure that can be.  I don’t believe that abortion is “murder,” and I do believe that Roe v. Wade has done a pretty good job of finding a nice middle ground for (what I can understand to be) a very complex debate. 

But that hasn’t stopped the discussion from not only continuing, but getting more bizarre by the day. 

While Ohio's was being voted down in the defeat it deserved in November, voters in Mississippi were trouncing a Republican-led “personhood” amendment to their state constitution called Initiative 26, which defined life as “every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning or the functional equivalent thereof.” 

I would like to take a moment to back up and examine a few things about that.

First, on a basal level, I’m going to need someone to explain to me why Republicans are trying to get the government to tell a woman unambiguously that she can’t have an abortion, when Republicans are the “small government” party.  I find it more than a little ironic that I’m on one side of the fence accusing radical Republicans of lately, and then defending their party's belief system on this issue.  It’s a seemingly-glaring hypocrisy in their platform. 

I suppose it might have to do with their assertion that an abortion is a murder, but that seems to open up a lot more questions, like, “If an abortion procedure is an attempted murder, why haven’t any abortion doctors been killed by fetuses out of self-defense?” 

I hate logic.  It makes our political problems so amusingly and ironically simple to solve.

Another bit to admire about this was that it was Mississippi voters who rejected this state amendment.  I don’t want to put too fine a point on this, but Mississippi doesn’t really have a stunning resume when it comes to having their finger squarely on the pulse of moral decency.  This is the state where the police, in combination with the KKK, executed three men trying to register African Americans to vote during the Civil Rights Movement.  These people don’t have a track-record on understanding the appropriate place to draw the line when it comes to the concept of murder.

So, congratulations to Mississipians for having the common sense to realize that a fertilized egg does not count as a viable life form.  Not every fertilized egg makes it to the uterus. Some of them get washed away during a woman’s period.  So, by this logic, and as George Carlin once put it, “Any woman who's had more than one period is a serial killer.”

Since other states will probably have “personhood” amendments coming to a state ballot near you, I think it’s time we stopped the discussion altogether, before it gets nasty.  Let’s stop all the arguing, and let’s see what happens when a group in this country finally, and indisputably, gets their way. 

Let’s just go ahead and make Initiative 26 a federal law.  In fact, just so there’s no more arguing, let’s amend the Constitution to clearly state that abortion is murder, and therefore a felony. 

You win, Christian Conservative America.  You get everything you want on this one.

There.  That feels better, doesn’t it?  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and finally we can shut up and deal with something else. 

Of course... I’m a man.

For that woman who’s going to get an abortion anyway, we’re gonna have to send a cop after both her, and the abortion doctor who’s performing the procedure.  They’re both accomplices to murder.  And since it’s a federal law, I would suggest hiring special agents like they did during Prohibition (but that would be another expansion of big government and nobody wants that). 

But there are still some loose ends to tie up here; because, like Carlin says, every woman with a birth control device in her purse or a tampon in her trash might be a killer, too.  SO, I guess we’re going to have to get some local detectives out there looking for evidence in the trash cans across America, and some CSI dudes to do the forensic analysis.  These are murders.  They can’t just go uninvestigated.

But, somehow, some way, we’ll figure out how to enforce the law on these killers.  And even though the police force will be overwhelmed with investigations, and the courts will be choked with hung juries that can’t come to a unanimous decision as to whether or not “that time of the month” should result in “a lifetime in prison,” we will know in our hearts that we’ll succeed in doing the right thing. 

Just like Prohibition.

And, finally, when every woman who has had unprotected sex is in prison for murder, we will finally be closer to solving one of mankind's greatest problems!

Himself.

I hate logic.  It makes our political problems so amusingly and ironically simple to solve.