How to Ruin the Goonies

The supermarket is a great place. 

If you ever need a minute to step outside yourself and your culture, and gain a little perspective, the supermarket is the place to be.  If you can’t look down an entire aisle devoted to cereal and think, “Only in America,” you lack the ability to be objective.  Because if you don’t realize that there is something special (and/or tragic) about being able to go to one location to get motor oil, a watermelon, a case of beer and a greeting card with Justin Bieber’s face on it under the same roof, you’re probably taking your lifestyle for granted.

But I represent the opposite end of that personality spectrum.  I find everything in the supermarket fascinating and funny.   Every time I walk in there I have a good time.  Call me juvenile, but my wife never quite understands why I always laugh when the deli sign boasts a sale on “hard salami.”  And she always bristles at me when I throw several items at her that I expect she’ll catch like she’s Flounder in Animal House. 

But what I think really gets old with her is when I do the “Ba-by RUTH!” impression of Sloth from Goonies at the checkout lane.  And I realize this is the oldest, most cliched thing to do in the supermarket, but that movie has made an indelible impression on me.  I’ve memorized it to the point where I remark about it as though everyone has dissected it as much as I have. 

And then, once I’ve got that scene on the brain, I want to go home and see the whole movie.

Now, let me give you another nerd-credential background nugget about myself:  I have been to the Goonies’ house (or, more specifically, Mikey and Brand’s house).  It is a real location in Astoria, Oregon, and “Goonies are Welcome” to take pictures of the house, which someone actually lives in. 

I never fail to mention this to my wife-- every single time we see it.  And she pretends to care-- every single time we see it; despite the fact that, on the spectrum of human emotions, someone telling you that they’ve been to the Goonie house should never register above an amusedly-inflected “ha!”

Still, we proceed through the movie.  And we meet Chunk.  Chunk is the best character in the movie, because he does the Truffle Shuffle; which, along with the Baby Ruth line, is the most memorable part of the movie.  And if it isn’t for you, come over sometime and watch me do it along with him.

Then the Goonies find the map and tell the story of One-Eyed Willy, who was trapped when the British fleet looking for him buried his ship in a cave by blowing up all the walls around him.  I can only wonder what the conversation on the boat was like immediately after that happened:

Pirate #1:  Mr. Willy, sir!  The British have sealed the entrance to the cave!  We’ve been buried alive!

Willy:  Ok.  Ok.  Lemme think here.  Let’s take stock of what we’ve got.  I’ve got a crew, and a bunch of supplies.  We’ve got enough to eat for four or five years.  Hmm…. I know!  We’ll build booty traps!

Pirate #1:  I think you mean “booby traps,” sir. 

Willy:  That’s what I said!  I said “booby traps!”  You’re always correcting me!

Pirate #1:  Fine, sir.  But wouldn’t we be better served using our crew and our supplies to get out of this cave?

Willy:  No way.  I want a third of you to start hoisting giant rocks to drop on any intruders to the cave.  Another third gets crackin’ on a giant piano.  And you take the rest of the men and carve out some spikey pits and maybe a waterslide so we can party while we’re down here.   This place is gonna be dope.

What really scares me, though, is that my wife is starting to take the ball and run with it when it comes to ruining movies.  Around the scene where the Goonies proceed through the caves, instead of riding up Troy’s bucket, my wife chimes in with:

“Ya know, from a girl’s perspective, there’s no way that chick would be attracted to both Troy and Brand.  Plus, I’m thinkin’ she only hangs out with that other (Martha Plimpton) girl because it makes her feel prettier.  I bet she grows up to be a bitch.” 

And then we both share a good laugh, pause the movie, and head to Mitchell’s Ice Cream. 

Because, for some reason, we were thinking about getting some Rocky Road…