Why Won’t Anyone Steal My Bike?

For two weeks, I left my bike out on my front porch. And nobody stole it. So, I moved it down the stairs to the end of my stoop. No dice. Eventually, I laid it on the front lawn. And still, nothing.

Now, the fact that nobody has thieved my easily-thieved bicycle is certainly a credit to the diligence of the Lakewood Police Department as well as to the general goodness of Lakewoodians. And it makes me curious as to what else I could scuttle on my front lawn to remain un-stolen. (Gently-used jeans? A less-gently-used futon? Half a bottle of Old Crow Whiskey?) But I can’t help to be mildly disappointed. Why won’t anyone steal my bike?

To be fair, it is a Trek Antelope 800 manufactured in the M.C. Hammer “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em”-era early-90s. It has two flat tires, a mild-to-severe “corrosion-related” problem, and weighs around fifteen pounds heavier than today’s techno-savvy bikes. These are, admittedly, all red flags for potential bike burglars. But I need someone to steal this bike for one very simple reason: I can’t just give it away. That hunk of barely-rolling metal has way too much sentimental value.

See, dumb, awkward, smelly middle school me bought my bike with a summer’s worth of lawn cutting money in suburban Milwaukee. I had picked it out months in advance: a shiny, black, twenty-one speed mountain bike with Shimano® gears and brakes and optional water bottle holder (later installed!). And over the following ten years I rode that stallion into countless trees/boulders, at least two different electric fences, and one enormous (and possibly blind) pig.

So, despite the fact that it’s too rusty, too small, and technically too un-ride-able, my crappy bike also has too much soul for me to just abandon it like a pair of gently-used jeans.

And now that I know that nobody would steal it, and that I’m clearly incapable of giving it away, I leave my bike’s fate up to you, dear reader. What should I do with my bike? Ghost-ride it into a lake? (Too harsh.) Stash it in the maze that is the Marc’s parking lot? (WAY too harsh.) Repurpose it into a (probably excessively dangerous) baby toy? (This is the leader right now.)

Please leave your suggestion in the comment section below. My bike and I thank you.