Lakewood Versus Los Angeles

During my extremely thorough research to come up with a , I stumbled across an interesting fact from the always-accurate Wikipedia. Did you know that Lakewood, Ohio has the same population density as Los Angeles, California?

It’s wiki-true. Which meant that I was now obliged to travel to LA and compare both cities in a winner-take-all compare-off covering five critical categories of evaluation. Conveniently enough, I was already going there with my sketch comedy group Last Call Cleveland (shameless plug: www.lastcallsketch.com). So, without further ado, let the Lakewood-Los Angeles comparisons begin!

MEXICAN FOOD

LA: For our only Mexican meal we went to “Burro-ito” on Hollywood Avenue. For those of you who didn’t take “Introduction to Spanish” three times in high school (just to make sure I really got it), a burro is a donkey. Apparently, it’s also Spanish for “eating rice that tastes like paving sand while listening to poorly-translated R&B hits from 1992.”

LAKEWOOD: Thankfully, it’s always taco night at one of our 1,200 local drinking establishments (one for every citizen!). Plus, Tom Hanks mentioned the tacos at Merry Arts on The Tonight Show. It’s true! That’s like getting the Oscar for tacos!

ADVANTAGE: Lakewood. Okay, I’m sure Los Angeles has some much nicer Mexican restaurants. But I’m not making Muriel Hemmingway money writing this blog, people.

CELEBRITIES

LA: On a trip to a park in the Hollywood Hills, I think I may have seen hipster heartthrob Aubrey Plaza of the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation snark-ily driving her GMC Yukon.

LAKEWOOD: I saw Marc from Marc’s one time. The reason that I knew it was the real Marc was one: he had a parrot with him, and two: the employees were actually being polite to me.

ADVANTAGE: LA. Because driving around in gridlock LA traffic is actually easier than navigating the Lakewood Marc’s parking lot.

NIGHT LIFE

LA: In one three-minute time span, I saw a guy sprinting down the street with a purse that didn’t seem to be his, had another gentleman try and fence my wife’s camera, and ran into a gaggle of what could only be described as “super hookers.” Also, every drink in LA costs more than renting a Lakewood half-house.

LAKEWOOD: On any given night—and for around $9—you can pretty much get your whole neighborhood liquored up and stumble back home to sleep on your porch just in time to not remember any of it by morning.

ADVANTAGE: Lakewood. A big plus for getting to hear 30-somethings belt out their favorite Godsmack hits at one of the seemingly infinite Lakewood karaoke nights.

BEACHES

LA: On Venice Beach, a street performer told my wife he was going to “bite her on the ass.”

LAKEWOOD: On Edgewater Beach, I saw kids having a contest over who could count more dead fish.

ADVANTAGE: Draw.

STUDIO TOURS

LA: During a tour of the Warner Brothers Studios, we got to sit on the Central Perk set from some show called Friends. Though I have to admit, the tour’s glow dimmed somewhat when I saw a display of the jacket from “The Good German,” the least-seen film of 2006.

LAKEWOOD: One time, I toured a Gold Coast studio apartment.

ADVANTAGE: LA. Did you know you that for just $36, you can buy a t-shirt with a catch phrase from The Big Bang Theory on it? I love LA!

OVERALL ADVANTAGE:

This was a close one, but I’m giving it to Lakewood. And honestly, I’m basing this solely on the easy availability of Dandee Corn Twistees. Sure, we might not have bearable weather for more than a few weeks every year. And yeah, LA has people who look good kissing each other on the lips in moving pictures. But horrifying and delightful at the same time, Dandee Corn Twistees are the treat that makes living in an inner-ring Cleveland suburb comparable to the entertainment capital of the world. Congratulations, Lakewood!