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Health & Fitness

Lakewood Needs a New Nickname Already

Lakewood could use a leg up in getting people to move here. Well, a new nickname for our city would not only give us a leg up, it would give us an extra knee. And who couldn't use an extra knee?

It’s time to face facts: Lakewood needs a new nickname. Why? Because in this dog-eat-dog world of rapidly thinning Northeast Ohio populations, Lakewood is in a fierce battle attract more citizens.

And if you think about it, every successful town has a good nickname. Paris is “The City of Lights.” Rocky River is “The slightly less persnickety Bay Village.” And Pittsburgh is “The wearing-sweatpants-out-to-dinner capital of the world.”

What’s our current nickname? Well, according to the never-wrong Wikipedia, we’re the “City of Beautiful Homes.” Which is great if we’re trying to get Murder She Wrote’s Angela Lansbury to move here.

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And that’s why I’ve created the most comprehensive list of possible Lakewood nicknames ever assembled (in ten minutes). So, take a look and leave your vote (or additional suggestion) in the comment section below. And I will personally deliver (via mail) our recommendation to the next Lakewood City Council meeting. 

Here we go!

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Lakewood, Ohio: “The most-of-our-taxes-go-towards-fireworks town.” 

Every Fourth of July, after I sop up the blood streaming from my ears, I think, “Nobody loves America more than Lakewood!” And you can tell by the number of car alarms going off after the over-the-top, shock-and-awe, explosion-fest we use to celebrate our country’s independence.

Lakewood, Ohio: “Check out our relatively new Dunkin’ Donuts.”

Did you even know we had one of these? It means we’re a real city!

Lakewood, Ohio: “The city that dares you to park at Marc’s.”

Who in the hell designed the Lakewood Marc’s parking lot? The Marquis de Sade? The bad guy from those Saw movies? The person who designed Marc’s checkout lines? Well, whoever it was, he/she  created a one-of-a-kind, half-metered, all-confusing, parking labyrinth.

Lakewood, Ohio: “The Recycling City”

Lakewood’s recycling rate is 79%. That’s one of the highest in Ohio! Sure, that might be due to the fact that we fine anyone who doesn’t recycle. But hey, 79%!

Lakewood, Ohio: “Burgess Meredith lived here sometimes!”

Did you know this? Wikipedia did. And I, for one, am prepared to believe that Mickey from Rocky and The Penguin from Batman lived in this town whether it’s true or not.

Lakewood, Ohio: “Home of the non-functional fireplace”

Quick, toss some logs into your fireplace and light them on fire. Did your home fill up with smoke? Congratulations, you live in Lakewood!

Lakewood, Ohio: “The slightly less persnickety Rocky River.”

Self-explanatory.

So, pretty impressive list, right? No? Well okay, genius, then leave your suggestion for Lakewood’s new population-attracting nickname in the comment section below. Where I will summarily ignore it. I’m kidding. I’ll just regular ignore it.

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