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Health & Fitness

Hey Lakewood: Help Name My Baby

My unborn baby needs a name. Good thing we live in Lakewood, the baby-naming capital of the world.

My wife and I are having a baby. And it’s happening soon.

Unfortunately, it’s taken me eight-and-a-half months to put together the crib, which means we haven’t had time to think of any names. Which is also why we desperately need your name-thinking-up help.

Here’s what you need to know: One, our child will be a girl. And two, her last name will be McKenzie, which is Scottish. (All the drinking problems of the Irish, half the publicity!)

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I’ve listed some thought-starters/frontrunners below. Feel free to add your own suggestions/votes in the comment section. And thanks in advance.

Hilly Holbrook

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This was actually the top contender until we saw the movie The Help this past weekend. Turns out, Hilly Holbrook is the head of the Mississippi lady racists. Thanks for ruining yet another thing for me, the South.

Xerox

I like this name for a few reasons. One: it sounds cool to say. Two: it has two Xs, just how I like my whiskey. Three: it’s one X short of having three Xs, just like XXX, my third favorite Vin Diesel movie (and, coincidentally, my third least favorite overall movie).

Clifton

This is a great name for one obvious reason: it’s the biggest road in Lakewood. Sure, it would probably be a more appropriate name for a boy. But I think it would be fun to tell my daughter that whenever someone is born, they name a street after them. And that she just got lucky to live in the same town as her street. That’s going to be a tough sell, but so is the tooth fairy.

In-Sink-Erator®

Honestly, I just got this one from looking at my kitchen sink. Sure, it may seem lazy, but please keep in mind—I’m assembling the other half of a crib while I write this.

Scoots McGee

According to my research, everyone likes a girl who can run fast. And who would run faster than Scoots McGee? Nobody. In fact, I don’t think anyone’s legally allowed to run faster than Scoots McGee.

Grandpa

This might seem to be an odd name for a girl until you consider how much kids love grandpas. Pretty sure this is a foolproof way to help my kid get through middle school without getting bullied.

Melt

If a grilled cheese sandwich tattoo will get you 25% off eating at Melt for life, what would a baby girl named Melt fetch? Your move, Matt Fish.

Now it’s your turn, Lakewood. Good luck naming our baby. I’ll post the results as soon as she makes her grand appearance and points a tiny hand at her favorite name on this terrible, terrible list.

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