AH, I love the smell of nutmeg in the morning.
This is really the best time of year. The horror of Thanksgiving—what with all its family-time and God-thanking—is over, and finally the Liberal War on Christmas can resume.
And I know what you're thinking: "There REALLY is a Liberal War on Christmas? That seems like such a stupid, absurd, asinine, completely out-of-touch-with-reality concept, so much so that I doubt the sanity of the person who first conceived it!"
But yes, there absolutely is a concerted and coordinated effort on behalf of all liberal-minded folk to ruin Christmas for everyone.
We're like a conspiratorial army of Grinches. Every year the movement grows stronger, as we seek to usurp the family values honorably protected by the Republican Party and further reduce the holiday to the capitalist avarice that Liberals are known so well for. While we are a movement sworn to secrecy, I can reveal a few of our key plans so that you, the good citizens of Ohio, aren’t blindsided by change you can’t believe in.
A lot of the key position holders in the Nationwide LWoC movement are the usual suspects: Portland hippies, Atheist tree-huggers, vegans who shop at Nature’s Bin, relatives of Nancy Pelosi, etc. But our movement has had a lot of chances to grow this year, what with the Occupy Movements all over the country.
To the layman, it would seem that these Occupy people are complaining about the ever-tipping balance of the American Dream towards the already rich and powerful—and their movement has been about that, to some degree. But mostly it’s just been a lot of dudes in tents smoking Thai stick and thinking of ways to ruin Christmas.
Because, at heart, Liberals are really about going out of their way to ruin things for other people. I think that’s pretty obvious by now.
My friend Jay James (Hippie Codename: “Crisp Cringle”) is in Director of Newspeak. His job is to influence local businesses into firing employees who say or post the words “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” He has to come up with all the non-Christian euphemisms for people to use instead of the word “Christmas” and then disseminate those words to all of us in the union-thug-run-liberal mob to learn and ruin the holiday with. He also poses as a public speaker who dresses up like Santa and gets invited to schools to subtly influence children into exchanging “Holiday Cards” instead of “Christmas Cards.”
And, of course, he does photo shoots with children in secular holiday garb that the liberal-run media use in their newspapers to make us look good.
Chuck Kane (Hippie Codename: “Rosebud”) is in charge of recording hip versions of holiday carols with secular lyrics. “Have a Holly Jolly Festivus” and “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the Time of Season When All Humanity Lives Together in Peace Without Shedding Any Blood for Oil” are my two personal favorites. That dude is just amazing with rhyme and meter. And a sitar, for that matter. His choir-army, “Secular Chocolate,” stands at the ready to belt out tunes like “Oh, Respectable Night,” and “The Universe Says Rest Ye Merry Gentlehumans.”
As far as my personal involvement in the LWoC, I’ve been named Irritation Director for the Cleveland Area. Parts of the tasks I’ve been assigned are things like interrupting Christmas Day church services by taping hidden cell phones under all the pews. I tried to pick a ringtone that was both incredibly annoying, and also somewhat symbolic for what we hope to accomplish, so obviously I went with “Closing Time” by Semisonic. However, I did consider “Send Me on My Way” by Rusted Root.
I’ve also got several other responsibilities, like putting Obama-logo pasties on all images of Jesus and farting during any Kindergarten school play that invovles a manger scene. The rest of what I do is top secret. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.
With a club made of hardened tofu.
We haven’t rid the world of images of Jesus, or completely driven home the point that December should not default to Christianity, but we’re getting there. Like Republican wars, we’ll fight on endlessly, with an unlimited budget thanks to Barack Obama secretly running up the deficit on our behalf and broadcasting our message on NPR.
The bleeding-heart message is growing.
Happy Holidays, warriors!